Friday, 12 June 2015

The art of deceit {when mothers pretend}

How often have you told a lie, or at least a half truth?  Do you consider yourself as someone who is deceitful?

If you are a Mum, you have probably mastered the art of deceit, and I think it needs to end.  

Pressures of motherhood have become so immense, and  we feel that if anyone asks "How are you", we must say "Fine thanks".

When the reality is's so often not true.

Our mouths say "Fine", whilst our heart screams "I'M NOT FINE!"

We put on a smile, which masks what lies beneath, and the words come out.  The deceit of motherhood.

"I'm fine, thank you".

You've done it.

You've heard it.

But, what needs to end is not so much the words that come out of the mouths of weary mothers.


They need to not feel that those are the words they must utter at all.

The only way that will happen is if people stop judging, condemning and criticising, and instead start showing love, compassion, patience, kindness and support.

Us mothers say "I'm fine", because we fear the response that we will get if we are honest.

We come to expect condemnation from those who will assert that struggles equal failure.

We shy away from honesty because we come to expect the response of "Oh well, it's hard being a mother. Never mind, it will pass".

We dread the reaction of "Well, YOU chose to have all those children!", accompanied by a wry smile.

We get despondent at the lack of community and compassion from those who could help and support.

We get disheartened when we get looks from others if we admit the struggles we experience with our children.

What we need is people who are willing to come alongside mothers and support them.  Let them know it's OK to be honest.  Let them know that it's OK to need help.  Let them know that telling people how you feel is allowing them into your life to HELP, not hinder.

Countless mothers feel discouraged because others make them feel small for being honest. People make them feel like a failure for being human. And so they continue to practice the art of deceit.

Precious fellow mothers, it's OK to feel tired.  Being a mother IS tiring.

It's OK to admit that your children are sending you to your wits end. No child is perfect, and they all send us to distraction, regularly.

It's OK to not be caught up with all your housework.  It will still be there tomorrow, and before you know it the children will be grown.

If you know a mother, especially with young children, be a support to them.  Let them know it's okay to be honest.  It's okay to share how tired they are. It's okay to admit your struggles. Ask them how they are, and let them know you ARE interested, and you care. Don't even ask if you don't want to know, because there's nothing worse than the vacant look of someone who asks "How are you" as an empty platitude, or conversation filling "nothingness".  Listen. Give them a hug.  Speak words of peace and love to them. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Maybe you are simply a mother yourself, who knows what it's like. Remember to come alongside new mothers and let them know. "Hey, you're not on your own. I know what it's like.  It will be ok".  Even is you are a busy mother yourself, and struggle to have time to give, just letting others know you understand may be the balm their soul needs.

Maybe you have time to spare? Perhaps you could do something to help someone in need? Do the ironing.  Babysit.  Run errands. Make meals. Find out what their needs are, and see what you can do.

Maybe your have time to support in other ways? Just sending a note, a text message, or an email, with encouraging scripture, may be what they needed RIGHT at that moment.  God has a way of doing great things through small means.

Above all else, remember that we are all part of the same family.  Families should show love in every part of their life, unconditionally. The same is true, even more so, for our spiritual family. The scriptures say that if one member is hurting, the others should feel it.

"...the members should have the same care one for another. 
And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it."
1 Corinthians 12:25-26  

And, we are told to have an honesty with each other.

"speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another."

Ephesians 4:25

Let's not be women who make mothers feel they have to say "I'm fine".  Let's be women who provide community, encouragement and support for other Mums, and let them be honest.


  1. Thank you for this, Caroline. I found you at Christian Fellowship Friday and give my own "yes" and "amen" to all! Our society rewards the "I'm fine" mentality, but I think we moms need to be safe places for real feelings to land. Blessings to you!

    1. We need to stand to together and encourage, right? Thanks for stopping by. x

  2. I quoted your blog to my friend Saturda! So true xxx