Work on Your Marriage {Complete Guide for SAHMs}

(this post contains affiliate links)

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I am a contributing blogger on a new resource for SAHMs.  I fully intended to share a couple more posts, whilst I was on holiday for the last two weeks, but, guess what? I was too busy having a fun time! I had the bare bones of a couple of posts, ready before I went, so now, today, I just need to finish this off to share. 

Fist off, I have a post to share from a fellow contributor.

                                           

Ashlee, at Well Nourished Nest, speaks about a topic that is close to my heart - and sadly, more often than it should be (though less than it used to be!), close to my lips.

Nagging.

Youch.

It's something that women-folk seem to be inclined towards, which is most likely why the Lord told us about how we SHOULDN'T be like that, in His Word.

Ashlee hits the nail on the head in her post.

"I did it again. I really didn’t mean too. It all happened so fast, and felt as if someone stepped inside my body and took control. I was just so frustrated. Irritated. Fed-up. Exhausted. But now I’m here. Nothing is resolved, and I’m left with a surge of regret, awareness of my flaws, and disgust for my lack of self-control."

Tell me you don't relate. I dare you.  Read more here.  It's convicting. 

                                       

For my post on marriage is one from early last year.  I love to bake, amongst other things.  Often, the Lord shows me where I need to grow in my character, from incidents "along the way".  This particular day we were baking, and things quite simply didn't work out how I planned.  I learnt something about my marriage that day. 

"The cookies came out the oven, and they were just not how I envisioned them. I did everything the recipe said, but some had spread, and looked not entirely like a heart. Some were overcooked in my "not quite right" oven. Then, I didn't make enough icing, so I had to tell the children to be more sparing than I would have liked. I did a demo for them, to show them how to do the outline, then the flooding. Mine was not even quite how I wanted it to be. I stood by, desperately wanting to decorate them myself, to make them look "nicer", but realised that I can't do everything all the time,  and my way is not always best!"....

Read on to find out what I learnt that day. 

Marriage, the way God intends it to be, is something I am passionate about.  Ladies, seek out God's truth on how your marriage should work, in order to preserve it from the destruction of Satan.  Look only to God, and HIS wisdom, and don't be tempted to seek out the world's "wisdom" - it only leads to destruction.

I am sure you will find the posts from the other SAHMs really useful. I've also popped some of my favourite books about marriage on my Amazon link below. I have found them all to be valuable and practical. Check them out, and feel free to fire any questions you have about them, to me. 

Marriage {an overarching principle}

"An arch consists of two weaknesses which, leaning on each other, become a strength."

Leonardo Da Vinci

I just HAD to deviate from my normal Wednesday post, when I read this with the children in their school reading, for Tapestry of Grace, this week.  I read it, and something IMMEDIATELY jumped out at me.

This quote, of course, is the definition of an arch, from a scientific and engineering perspective.  The laws of science, worked out by a great mind like Da Vinci.

But, do you know what struck me? Right, smack dab between the eyes? THIS is a picture of MARRIAGE!!!

As individuals we are weak.  We have weaknesses in so many different ways, and invariably our weaknesses are not the same.  Our strengths and weaknesses lie in different places.  Without doubt, however, there ARE weaknesses.  Not one single person is always strong, always perfect, always right.  So, in a marriage that equals two weaknesses.

But look.

LOOK.

When those two weaknesses lean on each other, they become a strength.

What a beautiful, and wonderful image!

When we lean on each other - when we rely upon each other - we hold each other up and WE ARE STRONG!  It's no good just trying to "go it alone" in a marriage.  When you are united in matrimony, you become one unit.  It's about DEPENDENCE, not INDEPENDENCE!  It's not a sign of weakness to rely on each other for support  - it's a strength to do that.

Ecclesiastes tells us about the benefits of more than one.

"Two are better than one.."

It carries on to give situations where it's a benefit to have someone to help you in life.  No lesser so than in a marriage! It's the perfect picture of partnership being important.  Not being in conflict, but working side by side.

There's more though...

In the whole construction of an arch, there is a crucial, crucial part.

The keystone.

"A wedge-shaped keystone would then hold the arch in place, forming a strong support for spanning a wide expanse."

Well now, if that isn't just GOD right there!? It's HIM who then holds our marriage in place - it's HIM who is a strong support for a wide expanse of life and circumstances.  It's God alone that gives us the strong support that our marriages need.  If he isn't there, the marriage will fall apart, just as when the keystone is not there, the arch will not hold up. He needs to be central in all that we do.  He needs to be that topmost stone, to keep us united and strong. Holding us together and keeping our marriage strong.

Ecclesiastes carries on to say this

"a threefold cord is not quickly broken"

In a marriage we need that "threefold cord".  Two individuals with Christ gives great strength, and the marriage is not easily broken.

How's your "arch"? Are you trying to work on your own in your marriage, or are you two weaknesses, leaning on each other to be strong, with Christ at the centre? I know which I want to be, and am I ever thankful that my weakness can be strength when I lean on my husband and have Christ at the centre.

Women of the Word {Job's Wife - don't do the devil's work}

Did you ever consider that how you behave as a wife can be the "devil's work"?

As we are travelling through scripture, looking at the women there, the book of Job comes next.  Job is such an incredibly challenging book.  It's that man who drives us to our knees in the realisation that we have SO far to go in our Christian walk. We are nowhere near that close walk that he experienced with God.  That position of righteousness, and integrity - of a heart and life that beat in unity with God's desires and commands.

With heart-rending realisation, I look to Job's wife, and regrettably find that I am far more like her, than I am like Job.

She doesn't get much of a mention, but what we do hear is a striking polar opposite to her husband.

They are equal partners in the most heart-rending of the experiences, sent to try Job.

She was equally the parent of the children, tragically killed.

Likewise, she was equally enabled to have the free will to choose how to respond to it.

She was obviously not walking with God in the same manner as her husband, because, quite simply, she did the devil's work, in the life of her husband.

As you will remember, Satan came to God, who put Job forth as an example of an upright man.  In response, Satan challenged that God had put a hedge of protection about him, and blessed him - surely if he had a bit of tragedy inserted into his "perfect" life, he would soon curse God? God gives Satan free reign to throw whatever trials at him, as he pleases, but to spare his life.

Satan takes all Job's worldly gain.  All that he had worked for - gone.

Satan takes his children. The thought of this breaks my heart - I have 8 children of my own, and the thought of them all being taken, in one foul swoop, is simply beyond my comprehension.  I'd be devastated.

But, in this, he sinned not, and instead, he WORSHIPPED, and gave thanks to God.

Wow.

Just wow.

That is a man walking right beside God.

Then Satan strikes at his body.  He is covered from head to toe with boils.  He took a piece of broken pottery to scrape the mankiness of the boils from off his skin.

As he sits, in the ashes, surrounded by the devastation of loss, his wife comes long and does the devil's work.

"Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die."

Job 2:9

Do you remember what Satan's aim was? His desire was for Job to curse God.

Here comes his wife, telling him, in actual WORDS, to do just that.

She was doing Satan's work.

Had you ever considered that before? I hadn't.  I knew it was part of his trial, but that she was actually doing exactly what Satan desired?  Hadn't thought of that.

Do you realise that you could be doing Satan's work, as a wife?

How?

Well, think firstly of this specific example - the example of what Job's wife attempts to do.

If you encourage your husband to sin, it's the devils work.  If you encourage your husband to have attitudes or reactions which are sinful, it's just the same. If you are a moaner, a complainer, a manipulator, a  contentious wife, you tempt your husband to sin. You are putting your husband in a place that makes it hard to do the right thing, and far easier to fall himself, if you behave in way that tempts him to sin, too. Tempting him to sin is just like a prostitute coming to a man and enticing him to sin. Tempting.  Luring.  Making it hard to say no.

Think about those moments when your temper has been lost, and you have been cross with your husband.  Does that not lure him to react in the same way back?  You lose your patience, he loses it right back?  Neither right, but the one who starts it off sets of the domino effect that can soon knock over every ounce of self control you should have had to begin with.

Think of those times when you come to him with words that tear down and destroy.  If you are negative, narky and critical, you are tempting your husband to be bitter, resentful and retaliatory.  You are critical, he's critical back. It takes more self control and sanctification NOT to react to a wife like that, than it does to to just fire it straight back.

If you are a wife who is quick to complain and grumble, you will entice your husband to be less-than-generous. He will tempted to be a husband who would rather not help and bless, because you just don't have a thankful and grateful heart, as you ought to have.

Naggers?  There lieth the epitomy of a wife doing the devil's work.  The book of Proverbs says that it would be better for a husband to go and live in the wilderness than to have to listen to a wife who is a nag.  Why? To get away from her sinful behaviour, lest he is negatively affected by it, too! Wives, you KNOW it tempts your husband to sin when you nag.  It tests the patience of the proverbial SAINT to have a nag in his ear hole. Nagging is the devil's work.

"the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping."

Proverbs 19:3

Have you ever had a dripping tap?  We have had a dripping shower, recently.  It was right  next to our room, and we did everything we could to stop it - we have resorted to turning off the isolation valve so no water can get out, because it was so irritating! It tests patience.  Same with nagging. A nagging wife will test the patience of her husband, pushing him to a place where he is more likely to snap and succumb to a sinful reaction. It's just a fact.

If  you are a wife who does not encourage her husband to be everything he should be spiritually, by turning a blind eye to his sinful behaviour, or even encouraging him in it, then  you are doing the devil's work.  Some wives seem to think that being submissive means being silent. No, no, NO.  You cannot be a more loving, supportive, and encouraging wife, than to be one who kindly, but honestly, points out sin where it exists.

Oh, my "Job's wife" heart.

It's me.

It's me FAR too much, and but for the grace of God upon the heart of my husband, much like righteous Job, he would have sinned more than he has.

I thank God for the grace He has extended upon MY life - how He has stayed the hand of Satan, and put a shield of protection both around me, and around our marriage.

But, no person is immune to the devices of the devil.

No marriage is immune to the deceits of Satan.

No siree.  We are all susceptible, and need to be on continual guard.  Don't let Satan get a foothold in your life, and in your marriage.

Another principle that Job's wife needed to learn from Job, and we do well to learn, too?

"shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?"

God sends us good things.  Blessing upon blessing.

He also allows the traumatically trying.

Things that would drive us to despair.

Things that could force a wedge into a marriage.

Things that could cause us sadness of heart, mind and soul, and agony of body.

But, in all of that, we must NOT curse God.

WE MUST NOT.

We need to get down on our knees, and WORSHIP.

Oh, Lord, give me this grace!  Give me this heart, and soul, and voice!  To worship, in the hardest of hard times.  To praise and worship thy Holiest of Holy names in the STORM.  When I am worn, weary and weeping - PRAISE HIM.  Acknowledging every good thing, to counteract the weight of the trials.  To lift my eyes to my great creator God, in the agonies of my humanity.

In every trial of my life, turning my eyes upon Jesus, and not tempting others to sin.

May the Lord keep me from being like Job's wife, and more like Job himself.

Being a soft place {good wives use soft words}

I have been through some very testing times in my courtship, in days long, long ago.  Being in a long distance relationship brought many hardships.  As I look back, I see things which I would have done differently, with the advantage of age, and experience, now on my side.  As the nature of life is, however, I came across difficulties that really challenged me in many ways.

In the course of one such trying time, a certain gentleman told me I was to be a "soft place" for my "young man".

At the time, I was so heartbroken  over another incident, that the words didn't really sink in.  I thought I WAS being a soft place, already.

I was thinking about it again, today. You often hear of someone being stuck between a "rock and a hard place".  This was the context where my "soft place" was suggested. I realised, today, that the concept of being a "soft place" still slightly stings in my heart, when, in fact it shouldn't.  Today, I needed to bring this to the Lord, and instead focus on being exactly what I need to be for Robert - a soft place.

I know, in many ways, I already am.  I have not always been, to my sadness.

How CAN I be a "soft place" for my husband?  What can I do to be "soft" instead of "hard"?

When you think about a soft place, what does it even conjure up in your mind?

Mine thinks of my snuggly, soft bed, with a deliciously comfy mattress, which I can sink my weary body into at night.

That's what we need to be for our husband.  No sharp edges.  No lumpy, bumpiness.

A soft place.

A solace.

A comfort.

I think the most important thing, that this "soft place"  can be, is my words.

Proverbs tells us

"A soft word turneth away wrath".

We have SO much power in our words. How we say and what we say can influence the spirit of those around us, especially our spouse.  We have the power to be soft and gentle, which leads to anger being turned away.

It's so easy, in the hustle and bustle of a busy mother's life, to forget that our husband doesn't want to come home, at the end of the day, to a screaming, crazy wife, getting schitzy at the children, and snippy with him!  What has HE done to deserve such hard treatment??

Maybe there are times when you DO think such treatment is deserved?

I'm going to be frankly honest with you here.

I made a lovely dinner for my hubby and myself the other night.  We don't have opportunity to get out on our own, so I try, once a week, to make us our dinner later in the evening, to enjoy alone.  Duck was on the menu - a special treat.  I told him I would ring when it was ready, which I did. He was only a few minutes away, at Church, but I could hear he was busy doing something. I waited at home, whilst the greens turned into puce, soggy looking things.  He eventually arrived home. I wasn't happy.  Sadly, my sinful heart made it known in a less than soft way, commenting, indirectly, to a question asked by a child "What's that, Mummy?" - "A soggy dinner" said I.

*Blush*

The answer the child WAS looking for was "duck" - as they didn't recognise the meat in question.

My answer was to my husband, just in ear shot.

Nothing soft about that.

It was harsh, and borne out of my frustration and impatience.

I quickly felt my wrong-doing, and carried on serving up dinner and bringing it to him.

You see, it didn't really matter why he was late.  He likely had a very good explanation, which I would have been given had I but asked, in a soft and gentle way.   he may NOT even have had a "reasonable" explanation at all! That was irrelevant. The dinner was still entirely edible, just not the way I had planned and hoped (nor the way I knew he liked it).  He did the right thing, thankfully.  He said nothing, and ate the dinner with thankfulness, stating how lovely it was upon completion.

My lack of "soft" words could have ended differently, because it could certainly have produced anger.

It was uncalled for.

Unnecessary.

Not soft at all.

Then there are times when our husband may say something that riles us up inside.  We think we are entitled to harsh, angry words, because we are in the right, or we think they need to be said.

II Peter 2 gives us a wonderful run down of how one right choice leads can lead to the right responses, including in our words.

"Add to your faith virtue; 

and to virtue knowledge; 

And to knowledge temperance; (self control) 

and to temperance patience; 

and to patience godliness; 

And to godliness brotherly kindness; 

and to brotherly kindness charity"

You see, what starts out as our profession of faith, leads to a desire to be excellent in all we do, which leads to having self control in WHAT we do, and patience in HOW we do it, which makes us more godly, which extends affection, which produces love.

Love.

What our relationship as husband and wife should BE.

Our soft words are an extension of our love.  Our self control in what we say, and the patience in how we say it, is an evidence of our love.

You see, it doesn't matter what someone else has done, it's our place to still be soft and gentle.

It's our place to love in our words.

As I have been studying the verses to bring you, here, I stumbled across something I have certainly not noticed before, to my knowledge.

 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. 

 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." 

Proverbs 18:22  

It explains that the tongue has the power to cut so harshly that it brings death, or it can bring healing words of life.  

Then, we are told that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing.

I'd never made a connection between the two things before, but boy did I notice them today!

I can just imagine how a husband feels when his wife uses words which bring death, instead of life.

"I thought having a wife was a GOOD thing?"

Conviction.

When I use words that are not soft, I'm not exactly being the poster woman for the wife campaign.

If we want our husband to think he's got a "good" thing, we need to use soft words.

Good wives use soft, life-giving words, not harsh, hurtful ones.

We can be hard in the words we say.  We can be hard in how we say them.  We can be hard in our attitudes and responses to our husband.

All of these things need to be soft.

Soft = loving.

Soft in what we say and how we say it - soft in our attitudes and responses.

I still have so much to learn, and maybe I am not so changed from my 18 year old self, as I think...

Before the sun goes down {ending your day the right way}

When we got married, various people gave us advice and shared scriptures with us.  There was so much wisdom in what was shared, and I valued it greatly.

There was one piece of advice, however, that I think is SO important, and worthy of sharing.

"let not the sun go down upon your wrath:"

Ephesians 4:26

How we deal with disagreement and conflict can have a huge effect upon our marriage.  

Imagine the scenario.  

(You may not have to imagine very hard)

You have been having a discussion with your husband, on a matter of great emotion and importance.  You don't agree over the issue, and emotions run high.   Certainly, female emotions have a tendency towards that, but men can also have the same emotional response about certain subjects.

No agreement is made on the subject.  

Maybe hurtful or angry words are spoken.

Bitter and hurtful thoughts are spinning around in your heart and mind.

Often, these things happen in the evening, because that's when we have the chance to talk about things.

The temptation is to march up to bed, ignore your husband, and go to sleep in a sulk, with those angry thoughts still swirling around in your head.

Maybe you feel you are in "the right".  Maybe there is nothing you have done "wrong".  

"Why should *I* be the one to sort it out?"

As I mentioned, recently, pride has a lot to answer for in our lives, and can easily sneak into our marriages.  Refusing to sort out a matter before we put our head upon the pillow, is so often rooted in pride.

Remember what I said?

"Pride goeth before destruction"

If we choose not to be the one to resolve issues in our marriage, especially before the day is through, we are heading for destruction.

I must say, by God's grace, that we have never ended a day without sorting issues out.  If it happens earlier in the day, we sort it out before the day is through, too. I HATE being at odds with Robert, and certainly am NOT the "not speaking to you" type! 

If God's Word says we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger, then we shouldn't.  There's no excuse for allowing angry and bitter thoughts and emotions to carry on in our hearts.  We NEED to sort it out.

It's as easy as these words.

"I'm sorry".

Why are they the hardest words to utter?  Pride, again.

We somehow feel that apologising means that we were "wrong" and our husband was "right".  Perhaps we feel we are lying, because we don't feel we need to apologise for our perspective or opinions.

That's not how it should be. Not at all.  

It means we are sorry that it has happened.  We are sorry that we have disagreed.  We are sorry for any words spoken in an unkind or unloving way.

It means we want to make peace, and not allow a disagreement to taint our marriage as a whole.

It means we have a spirit of humility, instead of a spirit of pride.

You see, the temptation, when we don't sort something out BEFORE we go to sleep, is to let it carry on into the next day.  The longer it goes on, the longer we have to allow a "root of bitterness" to dig into our hearts.  The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to say sorry.

When we sort it out, and "make up", before bed, it's done.  Our heart and our relationship is restored. Yes, there may be issues still to be resolved, but our hearts will be in the right place to do it.

And, yes, "kiss and make up" is one of the best ways to do it!  Connecting in a physical way is a great way to make our heart follow after.  Hugging is better still.  I know, personally, that when we hug, the anger melts away, and I just want to restore that connection that we lost, by not being in agreement.

It's like that verse in Psalms

"Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation"

When the Psalmist recognises his sin, he sees that He doesn't have the same relationship with the Lord that he had before.

The same applies to our marriages.  We lose that closeness, when we have anger and bitterness.  It needs to be restored.  We need to talk, say "sorry", and sort our hearts out.

Then the joy we had before can be restored.

I so appreciate the wisdom that was shared with us.  If you don't do this already, I pray that you will do it in your marriage and, indeed, in ANY relationship.  If you already do, I pray that we will be given daily grace to keep on ending our days in that way.

Humility in our marriages {when our husband is our Brother first}

I love the Epistles.  They are absolutely jam-packed full of practical advice. These, of course, are letters - written by various apostles to the newly formed "churches", or bodies of believers. They were groups who were meeting together as part of the "early Church", not long after the death of Christ, and the realisation that the Messiah had, indeed, come - that they were now following after Christ as their Saviour.  They had much to learn.  Many were converted from Judaism, where they were rule followers. Those believers had to learn grace, love, forgiveness. Many were from completely gentile, or even pagan, backgrounds - from cities and outlying regions, where the gospel was reaching out through the missionary journeys of disciples and apostles.

All of them had one thing in common.  They were sinners, needing a sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in their lives, as they sought to become more Christlike.

In today's culture, we read these epistles, and often consider them in the light of the "Church", as they were written to.

We read instructions such as,

"Let brotherly love continue." 

Hebrews 13:1

"Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Ephesians 4:3

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." 

Philippians 2:3  

and we think about how we need to work at making the Church we attend a God-glorifying place, where we all love each other, get along, and respect one another's opinions.  We work at it, and endeavour to do our best at making our Church life one of blessing.

Then we come home.

Suddenly, we forget that our husband is also our brother.  We forget we are part of the same body - in more ways than one.  United in Christ, AND united in marriage.

All that we hold so dear, in the context of the Church, we throw casually to one side in how we treat each other in our families.

There is one character trait which causes much damage in marriages, and in families as a whole.

Pride.

A lack of humility.

The "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude.

As I listened to God's Word being preached on Sermon Audio last week, I listened to a sermon which dealt with this very issue, in the wider context of the Church.  However, it struck me as to how much of a clincher it is, if we desire a healthy, God-glorifying marriage.

Do I have a JOY attitude? A "Jesus, Others, Yourself" attitude?

Or, is it more of a

"Jesus

Others (Oh, except my husband, because why should HE get to know more than me, or have a "more worth listening to" perspective on life?)

Yourself"

attitude?

It's sad, but unmistakably true, that many, many "Christian" marriages, seem to be founded upon that attitude.

Pride.  Stubborn wills.  Unbending opinions.  Self righteousness.

Trust me, I speak to my own heart first. With great sorrow, I saw myself staring right back, when I looked into the mirror of God's Word, as that message was being preached.

The times when I have stubbornly thought that what I thought was far better, and my husband couldn't possibly be right.

The moments when my heart grumbled and moaned inwardly, because I stubbornly believed my opinion to be of greater value than Robert's.

It doesn't have to be an outward manifestation - in fact, an inward "muttering" of the spirit can be far more destructive.

The thing is, if we are both saved, by God's grace, our husband is our BROTHER.  We are "heirs together of the grace of life".  Children of the Heavenly King.  Part of the same body of Christ, the same family of God.

Those verses are written to US, and need to be applied within the context of our marriage, as equally as in the context of the "church".

Just look at these verses.  Don't think of them in the Church setting.

Stop.

Think about them in the context of marriage, or of family.

"For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. 

For as we have many members in one body." 

Romans 12:4

Not thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought.

Is our opinion and perspective REALLY more valuable and worthy of following, than that of our spouse? Do we think of ourselves THAT highly, that we don't even consider listening to the point of view of our husband?

Oh, how devastatingly cringe-worthy.  I am internally squirming, as I think of how that has applied in my own life.  How I shame my Saviour, when I think of myself in that way.

Those times when I have jumped to argue, and bicker, and be contentious.  Not endeavouring to keep unity, and peace.

Look at this list in Proverbs, of things God hates - it's one I shared last week.

"A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 

An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 

A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren."

Do you see how it starts, and how it ends?  It begins with pride, and ends with discord.  That is what happens in our marriages - if we begin with a proud heart, that thinks highly of herself, we will end with discord. Discord is the opposite of being harmonious, or tuneful.  Our marriages will be lacking melody - just filled with angry, confused "noise", if we are proud and opinionated.  In fact, that noise could very well end up being arguing and shouting.

It's no surprise that the book Proverbs deals so much with the subject of contentious women - it's a shameful inclination of our sinful hearts, to desire to argue, instead of to be peaceable.

"A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing." 

Proverbs 9:13  

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house." 

Proverbs 21:9 

 "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."

Proverbs 21:19 

 "A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike."

Proverbs 27:15 

 "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house."

Proverbs 25:24 

If you are reading all of these and thinking

"What about the men, hey? What are THEY supposed to be doing? Where's THEIR list?"

Then, you're putting yourself on that "pride" list straight away.

A mark of one with humility, is one who can look upon themselves and see their own sin, without having to point the finger at another first.

We need to be wives who don't "sow discord". Not speaking down to our husbands, or finding fault, or criticising.  Having a spirit like that just puts us up on that "higher than we ought to think" shelf, again. Speaking down, is elevating our own point of view, and demeaning another's.  Finding fault and criticising is comparing to a standard we think is "right", and seeing where another falls short. 

So how DO we need to be?

We need to be gracious women.  

"A gracious woman retaineth honour: "

Proverbs 11:16 

We need to be gentle, and meek.  

"gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men."

Titus 3:2

"a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."

I Peter 3:4:

 Meekness is NOT weakness.  It's humility.  

Pleasant, kind, showing grace.

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; 

Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Ephesians 4:2-3

Longsuffering - patient - cheerfully enduring. 

In LOVE.

Are we living a marriage with that kind of being "in love"?  

Endeavouring - it requires effort.  Look at the Strong's expansion of that one word...

"to make effort, be prompt or earnest: - do (give) diligence, be diligent (forward), endeavour, labour, study."

Oh, my soul.  Diligently strive to cast off pride, high opinions of yourself, and a haughty spirit. Graciously, lovingly, and humbly put your husband and his point of view, higher - way, high above - your own.

Anything we have only comes from God.  It's nothing of ourself, anyway. God has equally gifted our husbands with wisdom and perspective, equally valid to our own. It's never worth destroying a marriage because of pride.

As Mr Wagner said in his sermon - "It's not about you - it's about the body of Christ".

And my husband is my brother.

I plead with the Lord to make me humble and not haughty - a gracious woman who retains honour.

 

Marriage and love {learning from cookies!}

Today, I decided that it would be a special thing to get our bookwork done quickly, and do some fun things in the afternoon.

I decided that making cookies, and icing them, as well as making some button heart cards, would be perfect.

It's Valentine's day.  That day which has become one of commercialisation and women with high expectations of husbands. We don't "do" Valentine's Day, but it's always good to make love an important thing. It should, of course, be important EVERY day, but thinking about it particularly was good.

So, we made cookies.

I tell you what, it challenged me on many fronts, but that's another story.

The cookies came out the oven, and they were just not how I envisioned them. I did everything the recipe said, but some had spread, and looked not entirely like a heart. Some were overcooked in my "not quite right" oven. Then, I didn't make enough icing, so I had to tell the children to be more sparing than I would have liked. I did a demo for them, to show them how to do the outline, then the flooding. Mine was not even quite how I wanted it to be. I stood by, desperately wanting to decorate them myself, to make them look "nicer", but realised that I can't do everything all the time,  and my way is not always best! Then, of course, I can't even eat the cookies. Doing Whole30, I am not allowed any sugar.  The amount of times I went to lick my sugary finger, and had to stop myself!!

(a shield, a cross on a hill, a tiger?? and 3 hearts!)

However, they enjoyed the experience, and as much as there was nothing perfect about them, they appreciated them, ate them and loved them!  Seeing their pleasure was enough for me!

As I was clearing up the whirlwind-type mess resulting from our baking, I got thinking about how making my cookies was like a marriage. 

Marriage, and love, is not all about perfection.  It's not all about everything looking pretty and perfect.  It's not everything turning out how you expected, or about there never being any "messy" moments.

What it IS, is thinking about others before yourself.  About giving of time, effort and emotions for the benefit of another.  It is about putting in the right "ingredients", mixing them up the way you know you should, and when the results are not how you expected, still carrying on. Still putting in the effort to make it the way it should be. Persevering despite the imperfections. Persevering BECAUSE of the imperfections.  Still pouring in love and effort, when things don't look so "pretty".  It's about being unselfish.  Doing things purely for the benefit of another, not for your own.  It's about not giving up when things don't go well. It's about being willing to set aside doing things "your way", and having the humility to accept that your husband's way is right, because you want to please him, more than you want to get your own way. It's about accepting failings and loving what you have regardless, because it's worth it.  It's about finishing well.  

Today, and every day, I need to have a marriage like that.  I need to love selflessly.  I need to persevere through the moments that don't go quite how I expected.  I need to keep adding "beauty" to our marriage, by loving as God wants me to.  I need to give, and give, and give, not for my own gain or benefit. I need to keep on, until "death do us part".  I need to enjoy the pleasures of simply being in the marriage, not being bogged down by the negatives. Promoting the positives.

I love my husband. We don't have everything going perfectly all the time, but we DO love each other.  Deeply.  We are thankful for every blessing upon our marriage and our family.  We will keep, by God's grace alone, working at it every day.

The Love Dare (*a give-away*...)

As I mentioned in my post earlier, a New Year is a good time to start something new. So, this week, Robert and I started something new.

This last year, we watched the movie "Fireproof".  We were both challenged by the message it brought.  It is all about the importance of love in a marriage.  Having a love for the Lord, first of all, and then how you should love each other as husband and wife.

It is produced by Christian filmakers, and yes, the acting is not quite up there with Hollywood, but the message far surpasses anything Hollywood could throw out. It's the heart of the issue that counts, and this one counted for a lot.

We bought the DVD for others.  We lent it out.

Then, I saw that there was a devotional, for couples, based on The Love Dare.  I HAD to buy it for ourselves.

Then, I just HAD to buy it for my siblings, and Robert's siblings.

And others.

How could we not encourage others to take a long, hard look at their marriages, and make sure they were loving the way GOD intended them to?

So, Robert and I started it this week.  Right from the beginning, the focus is on the Lord, and His Word.  It has you looking at the scriptures, to see what God says about love, and how you need to live it out.  I can tell already that it is going to be good.  That it will be challenging.  That it will be worth it.

For each week there is a "dare".

This week's...

Begin praying this week: "Lord, teach me what real love is and me a loving person."

What an important way to start!  What is REAL love?  It goes on to highlight scripture that teaches what love really is.

There are "go deeper" suggestions at the bottom of some of the daily devotions.  There are prayer suggestions, and there are questions to challenge you.

I loved the first "go deeper".

To read I Corinthians 13 verses 4-7, replacing "love" or "it" with your first name.

Read it.  Try it.

Ooooooh, challenging.

Convicting.

*blushes and grimaces*

If you can read those verses, with your name inserted, without feeling guilty, then you are a wonder indeed.

I can't wait to continue reading with Robert.  Learning together. Sharing.  Growing closer.

Loving more.

So, what's the use in finding a great thing and then NOT sharing that love?!?

How about I give away a copy of the devotional?

Do I hear a "oooh, yes please"?

Whether you think you would do it as a couple, or whether you would have to do it on your own, it would still be a worthwhile endeavour.  Ask  your husband!  You never know, he may say yes!

Come on, then!  Join in the fun, and try and win yourself a New Year's gift!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

God's Words to us

This morning, I began a new Bible reading schedule.  I will share more about that in the New Year.  However, I was struck by something this morning, which I felt would be a good thing to share, at the end of an old year and the dawn of a new one, looming on the horizon.

I love how I can read a passage that I have read countless times before, and still be struck by things in a new perspective. God is a good God.

I was reading the first 3 chapters of Genesis this morning.  Truly, they are PACKED with amazing truths, and essential doctrine. I could share dozens of important truths, but this one just particularly struck me.

Throughout chapter 1, we read of God speaking all things into life.

"And God said..."

God simply spoke, and all things came into being, by the power of His word.  It's astounding,  amazing and incomprehensible to our puny minds. And yet, we know it as truth.  Indeed, to doubt it is to err.

That's the part where my brain kicked in, and God showed me something so important.

We take it as truth, and relevant and important, and doubtless, that God's word of command created all things.

Should we not then take as crucial and important truth, the words that God spoke that apply to us as women, in those first few chapters?  Should we doubt the verity and importance of believing THOSE words to be truth.

For this to make sense, I need to remind you what those words are, which are relevant to us.

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."

Genesis 2:18

"and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

Genesis 3:16

For some reason, women of today - CHRISTIAN women of today - doubt that part of God's Word to us.  We don't doubt that, by His Word, all things were created, but we want to doubt the relevance and truth of the words above. The first spoken before sin, the second spoken after.  NEITHER made redundant at ANY POINT throughout scripture.

Putting them side by side shows me of the contrast between our relationship as husband and wife, comparing pre and post-sin.

The first words that God spoke relating to our existence at all, were relating to the purpose of our creation. It was the first point that God did not say that "it was good".  He says that "it is not good".  What was not good?  It was not good that man should be alone. So, God in His infinite wisdom, and His perfect plan, made woman - a "help meet".  Or, an "aid mate".  "Helpful counterpart".

A suitable helper.

We were created to complete man.  So that we, as a couple, would be whole together.  That as man and wife we would be the perfect unit.  One is not complete without the other.

We live in a world today, which diminishes the completeness of the union between a husband and wife.  We are led to believe, that EVEN IN MARRIAGE  we can function as individual units.  2 people, happening to live under the one roof, who can do their own thing, and be their own person - separate from their spouse. That the wife does not need to be that help and aid to her husband.  That he has to somehow muddle and guddle through on his own, whilst the wife waltzes off doing her own thing whenever, and however, she pleases.

THIS IS NOT GOD'S PLAN FOR US.

We were created to be one.

If that means we have to set aside the pursuits of our single life, prior to marriage, in order to be that help and aid that our husband needs, SO BE IT.

If it means we have to put our selfish desires aside, in order to be a loving, helpful, caring and God honouring spouse, SO BE IT.

Why should the wonder of God's word of creation, be any less as God's Word of creation for our marriages?  That Him creating the perfect world is amazing, but creating the perfect union is to be dismissed as not relevant.

This year, I want to be reminded daily of the wonder of God's Word for my marriage - that I was created to be a perfect helper and aid to my husband.

That's God's Word to me.

The second "words" to us, are after the fall.  They are part of the outworking of God's curse upon humankind. This is the contrast to how God created our marriage to be, and how it became following sin entering the world. And, the words that relate to us as women are a bitter pill to swallow.  Somehow we muddle through, and stoically accept the pain involved in pregnancy and child-birth.

"Ah, well, it's all part of the curse, and we just have to endure it.  It doesn't last long, and we get a baby at the end."

That saccharine approach somehow disappears when the words "he shall rule over thee" are mentioned.

Our sinful hearts rebel against THAT part of the curse.  Having to submit to the headship and authority of our husbands is a somewhat more bitter pill to swallow.  It's a command that directly relates to the part that Eve had to play in The Fall.  She went off, under her own steam, doing what she thought was right.  Tempting her husband into doing the same thing.  Him weakly accepting.  Under the curse, the men are to do the ruling, and we are to be the ones to submit.

It's a CURSE.  It's not meant to be easy.  Our rebellious hearts squirm under the command.  We scream inside, wanting to still do our own thing, bucking against the instruction to submit.

And yet, in God's grace and goodness, we have further instruction in the New Testament, which makes it a bit easier to bear. We are reminded that under that umbrella of headship, we are under the headship of Christ.  We are obeying His command, and we are able to give up the burden of leading and guiding the family, to our husbands. What a huge task they have to bear.  How glad I am that my role is simply to submit, and not the one to have the responsibility to lead.  How I pray for my husband in that huge task.  Give me child birth any day. Ok, maybe not ANY day....

God's word brought this earth into being.

It brought us into existence.

It gave us our purpose.

It gave us our curse.

All God's Words having equal relevance and importance, we then need to embrace His Words to us, as much as we wonder at and give credence to His Words of creation.

My prayer is that we all would seek God's strength and grace, this year, to be doers of the Word, and not hearers only.