Absolute sway {giving everything up to God)

I've had another challenging week.

I had been resting last week, after the bleed, as per Robert's instructions.  He would call me every now and again, and ask if I had my feet up.

That was a struggle, when I am used to a busy life.

Then, this week I attempted a little more.  Everything had been settled for more than a week, so i went shopping on Monday.  Then, on Tuesday we went to the garden centre, and then I did a little planting - only very easy planting, and I left the harder stuff to the boys.

Then, on Wednesday morning the bleeding was back.  NOTHING like before, but just present, and obvious, all day.  And yesterday.  I thought it had eased by the end of yesterday, and this morning... back again.

I still don't know what is happening, or why.

I hate not knowing.  I hate not being able to control what's going on.

I had a heart to heart with Robert this morning.   We talked about how I need to trust God.  I *DO* trust God.  I told him, I trust God completely - I know that whatever the outcome for this baby, it will be perfect, and in His plan.

Then, why was I still struggling?  Why did I get so upset?  Why was I finding this so hard?

I know that us women folk deal with things differently.  We are created differently from men.  That's normal.

From the ladies I have talked to, I know I am not alone.

But, I realised Robert was right.

If I still cannot leave the "not knowing" to the Lord, then I am still not trusting Him completely.   In order to fully trust, then I cannot hold onto any desire to be in control myself.

Yes, I still would like to know what is happening.

Do I need to be anxious about not knowing, though?  Let it bother me?  Have it on my mind so much?

No.

I don't.

I need to take it to the Lord and LEAVE IT THERE.

I KNOW that whatever it is that is causing this, cannot be treated or changed.  About the only thing they could tell me, is to rest.  I am doing that already.

I also know that we could learn that the baby has already passed away, and we are simply waiting for  a miscarriage.  My hope still tells me that is not the case.  However, if it was, I still couldn't change anything by knowing sooner.

My midwife is on holiday this week.  She will know what's happening next week.  I am pretty sure she will get in touch, and if not, I see her routinely on Thursday.

In the mean time, I need to FULLY TRUST.  For the sake of my peace of mind, I need to not analyse every change.  Monitor and mull over it.

Instead, I need to make the best of every moment I am resting.  Put it to good use.  Plan.  Prioritise.  Read to my children.  Write my recipes in my new binder.  Read.  PRAY.

God is giving me this season for a purpose.

"All things work together for good"

"but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."

"the steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. 

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand."

Psalm 37:24  

That last verse really has spoken to me.  My steps - all that I go through - has been ORDERED by God.  He has allowed it - set it out before me.  It's HIS plan,  His PERFECT plan, that has me going through this trial. How have I to walk in these steps?  I have to DELIGHT in them.

I can tell you now, that this morning I fell.  Big time.  I was an emotional wreck, and once the tears start in a hormonal woman, it's hard to turn that tap off.  I was exhausted  and struggling to accept that I have no idea what's going on.

But GOD DOES.

And, He upholds me with His hand. I am NOT utterly cast down, because God always has me right in His hands.  I need to just rest in that place of safety and comfort.

Knowing what's happening will only make me "feel better" humanly.  I need to feel well SPIRITUALLY, and the only way I can do that, is to surrender this WHOLE thing to the Lord.  The what, when AND why.

He has this.  I don't need to have ownership or control of any of it.  I need to content in the knowledge that God knew this would happen, and I WILL get through it.  Clinging to Him.  Moment by moment.  Not needing to know what may, or may not happen, beyond today. Enjoy the knowledge that, as far as I know, a little babe continues to grow inside of me, "fearfully and wonderfully made".  To appreciate the rest that God has gifted me with.  To be thankful for the wonderfully helpful, and kind, and loving husband and children. That I don't have to worry about school runs! *giggles*   There is so much still to be thankful for, even in the midst of my own personal trials.

Even in all of this, I can remember there are those struggling and hurting WAY more than me.

This hymn came to my mind today.  I need the Lord to have HIS own way, and I need to give myself over to him, so that He only has absolute sway over everything.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.

Mold me and make me after Thy will,

While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Search me and try me, Master, today!

Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,

As in Thy presence humbly I bow.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!

Power, all power, surely is Thine!

Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Hold o’er my being absolute sway!

Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see

Christ only, always, living in me.

I am learning.  I am not always a fast learner, and this one is both a steep curve and a hard lesson.  But, by God's grace, I am learning.